“You are old, Father William,” said the young man, “and your hair has become very white, and yet you incessantly stand on your head – Do you, at your age, it is good?” Lewis Carroll (1865) My grandmother was the original matriarch. When she barked “frog,” the only acceptable answer was “how high?” She was difficult to treat in her last days, surprising no one. Not being the brightest penny in the family purse, I responded emotionally to her complaints, judgments and demands. Rather than immediately leave, I stood my ground, trying to defend my family and I from her relentless attacks. As a result, we were not speaking when she died. Had I understood what I was facing, I had tried to put myself in her shoes would have a better ending our story. In the hope that your story have a more satisfying ending, I offer a couple of tricks for dealing with difficult elders I’ve learned since then. 1) before a plan of a crisis The best way to deal with difficult parents is as much as possible to avoid problems by planning how you treat them before they arise. Choose a time when all family members can meet in person or on a conference call to discuss what you will do when a family member needs help. Take the attention away from elderly parents to fully participate in planning and making certain they have a role to play. Sure to take notes! Share them with all your family members to check appointments. In difficult situations, you may want to ask family members to sign a copy of an agreement to return. Here are a few of the topics you would like to address: Physical Location How do you help a family member if they live in another city? Can an effective long-distance caregiver, and if so, how? If not, who will move, and when should that happen? Roles Who is responsible for what? Will you share the cost is, or want to contribute cash balance through time? What will happen when there are disagreements? How will you deal with changes in individual circumstances? How will you respond to threats to health and safety? Differentiation preferences and requirements. If it’s more than a preference for family live together, get it out on the table before a crisis erupts. Planning Document Where do you store important documents such as wills, powers of attorney, insurance, and deeds of trust. Who will have access to these documents? And under what circumstances? 2) Extend your patience muscles Remember your excitement when you crossed the threshold of adulthood? When you first get a license? When your first job? When you find your first apartment and could decorate it all on your own? Then think about how you would feel if you had to give adult privileges, one by one. What you feel now can close the feelings of your difficult parent. But old feelings you indispensable. Your difficult parent may fear · Becoming invisible · themselves as useless or stupid · the loss of their friends, · losing physical abilities · Becoming dependent. By yourself in their place, you can respond positively and well. 3) Forget “parenting your parent” One of the most useful ideas in our culture is the idea that if your parents age, you become their parents. Stuff and Nonsense!You are not your parents’ age, nor will you ever. Your role may be friend, confidant, carer and supporter, but if you take the role of parent, your older decrease by reducing them to the position of the child. No wonder they react negatively. Would not you?